Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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