so then she threw up in his asshole
yep..that'll do it.
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
Randomize
