Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
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