Quick, to the slutcave!
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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