the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Randomize
