I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
Randomize
