I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Randomize
