Three words: puerto rican gang bang
there's paper in my vomit.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Randomize
