Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
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