We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
Congratulations! We have a period
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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