Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
3pm strippers are depressing
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
Randomize
