What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
Sooo i'm debating posing nude for the drawing and painting classes, I just wanna see if they draw my nip ring.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
