i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
