Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize