this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
Randomize
