i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
