I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Randomize
