Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Randomize
