Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Randomize
