dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
Gay?
German.
Pity.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
Randomize
