i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
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