Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
