you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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