Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
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