i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
