I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
