I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Randomize
