Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
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