saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
