the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Randomize
