a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
i think my mom watched the whole time
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
