Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Randomize
