I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Randomize
