If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
