im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
Lol, perhaps. But the drinks are so cheap, the music is better, and the bartenders and bouncers all know my name. I can't abandon it, even if it is a gay bar, its still my Nirvana.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
