Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
