I wish I could punch you in the face.
last night i found where hot topic managers go to die after they get fired.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Randomize
