I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Randomize
