got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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