I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
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