I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
Your shirt... Was in my pants
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Randomize
