just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
Randomize
