hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
So all semester this guy and girl have been talking, and today is the last class and we are doing nothing. I would have skipped but I want to see if he seals the deal or pusses out. It's like a season finale.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
Randomize
