So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
I know he is still a student. I am not asking if his being an underwear model makes it more ethical, just less prosocutable.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize
