Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
