he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
The chlamydia really affected his face.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Randomize
