You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
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