I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
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