just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
