Dude that chick in the corner just threw up
Hot
I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Randomize
