I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
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