there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
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