why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
Randomize