I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
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