you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
It's like God shit irony all over that family
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
smell my finger.
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Randomize
