I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
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