Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
Randomize
