I'm gonna have a badass scar
I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
