If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
We just shotgunned beers for America
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize