a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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