Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
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