I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Moan for me like Helen Keller
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
I cant watch the real world now after jersey shore. its like trying to go back to vagina once uve had anal
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
