the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
Randomize
