Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
I think pants incapable of making pants work
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
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